MonuMental

During the last seconds of December I was messaging my girlfriend.

I started this year at the strike of midnight with some good friends,

texting to Canada.

In February she was magically here

again.

We met in June.

She left in August.

She returned in February.

We got engaged in March.

Married in April.

Nothing has ever been so right.

This year has been the year of getting back to what’s real

and ironically nothing has been more like living in an epic dream.

I wanted to disconnect from all the giftwrap and think more about the meaning of things.

To focus on happiness in its different forms.

To think about what happiness is

and try to live in ways that best cultivate it.

This required some physical changes to my actions and surroundings.

It required more changes to my thoughts

which changed my actions and surroundings.

I tried to criticize and micromanage my daily habits

both physical and mental,

routine actions,

external stimuli,

television,

and my choices of what to watch,

print media,

and my choices of what to read,

social media,

and my choices of what to see.

There were also all sorts of other living interactions I wanted to qualify

in an attempt to break down fundamentally what introduces positive, joyful spirits into my world.

This showed me the things I do out of habit,

or even the things I do that I supposedly like,

because some actually cause me grief instead of contributing to happiness.

Which investments in my time

or energy

give me greater peace, and lead to happiness.

On what things do I spend my time

and energy

that actually take away from my happiness.

I wanted to think about the people in my life who have done so much.

I have so many people that contribute

by lending a shoulder

by being there with jokes

by giving me an outlet

by helping me lift

by giving me ideas

by showing me new things.

How do you compose a more positive future?

You make today a more positive now.

I started with Facebook.

My Facebook was going to be a happier, more positive place.

I would scroll down and see people’s pet’s birthdays,

children’s first days of school,

teacher’s summer vacations,

new cars,

marriages,

beach trips,

concerts,

and everything else true to life.

No opinionated memes.

No politics.

No rants.

Even causes I cared for I would set to rest.

This was not the place anymore.

I can support an organization by going to their website and reading their updates.

Their fight doesn’t have to be in my face each day.

I tried to create an experience of pleasantness.

Free of ignorance.

Free from images and posts about exclusion.

I don’t want to see fear.

I don’t want to see Obama.

I don’t want to see how Christian some people want to appear.

I want to skip over the hyper-awareness of forgettable moments in news.

Most of that isn’t news,

just negativity.

Hatefulness.

Things that aren’t going to change.

Things that should but aren’t.

Things that are but shouldn’t.

In doing this I found that most news is positive

because most of life is positive.

Out of a hundred negative posts

many of them I found can be rooted in just a few events.

But a hundred positive posts can come from a hundred different uplifting stories.

And that’s life.

People telling their stories

are different than all the people sharing, distorting, and adding bias while telling the stories of someone else.

I don’t need that.

I didn’t want to live the next 30 years letting someone else point my telescope.

Some might say I’m less informed,

but less informed about what exactly

is the question.

I cleaned Facebook of pages.

Companies.

Artists.

Musicians.

Causes.

I’m down to 100 or so.

I un-liked about 500.

My friends list was slaughtered.

I changed it from a collection of people who I met a few times,

took a class with,

had a drink with,

went to a cookout with,

friends of friends,

people I used to know,

people I used to work with,

and people who I never see anymore.

Out of all these perfectly fine and good people,

so many of them lived and stayed in chapter 16,

chapter 25,

or chapter 30.

I’m on chapter 36.

Anyone who has a connection is welcome to stay walking these pages with me.

I didn’t do a disservice to anyone who might miss me.

I didn’t hurt any feelings.

Just cleaned out the cobwebs.

I would call my friends more,

text my people more,

and see my family more.

I wouldn’t limit how much time I spend on Facebook

but the more I got back to what’s real

the less interest I had in anything related to it.

Even as it became a refreshing,

more positive experience,

it was becoming increasingly thin.

Increasingly superficial.

Increasingly unnecessary.

My friends and family know what’s going on with me.

Anyone who cares can know.

But not everyone cares,

so everyone doesn’t need to know.

My personal glories

don’t need to be public.

My thoughts are more meant for conversations,

not Facebook posts.

Robert Pirsig said “You’re not a fan about something you know.”

If I’m rooted in my good feelings,

I don’t have to be a fanatic about them.

You don’t run around shouting the sky is blue,

and I don’t need to publicize an image of how I want people to think of me.

I would feel happier.

I already did.

I felt healthier.

More able to sort out the garbage made by someone else’s points of view.

More able to sort of the things I put in my body,

which includes my mind.

Poison can come into the body and change your health.

It can enter through the mouth, ears or eyes

and change everything.

So all these portals would be clean,

not convoluted.

I slowed down.

I gave my microwave to my friend because theirs broke.

I liked to cook

but the microwave kept me from it.

It wasn’t healthy.

It reduced the quality of the food I ate.

It reduced the nutrition in the food I cooked in it.

I increased the value of what I made for myself.

Isn’t that its own reward?

I came home and took a deep breath everyday.

I went to work and enjoyed the now.

I woke up thinking about all the things I would do before I went back to bed.

I sold things.

I threw things away.

I gave things away.

Now what I have has more meaning.

Now that I have less

I also buy less.

I see wastes of money all around me.

I see things I don’t need to spend my time worried about.

I see things I don’t need to spend my time wanting.

I see people’s lives who I don’t care to envy.

I don’t know anyone I would rather be than me.

I still have bills.

I’m still building.

I’m still working on being better,

doing things better,

and living better.

Hopefully I’ll always be working on these things.

I’m still fixing situations from the past.

I’m still slowly ameliorating errors in my ways.

Hopefully I won’t always be doing that.

But for now, I have moments where I feel each month that goes by

I am in a better place,

a happier place,

and more advanced place,

than I had been.

Life never gets fixed I don’t think.

I don’t think it ever gets tied up with a bow, stamped and labeled perfect.

But each consecutive time I check-in with myself

and see that things are better,

and each time in a row that I feel like I’m in a happier way of life,

I feel accomplished.

I feel more productive steering towards the sun than I do by painting the boat.

I wanted to cut out some of the distractions and handle what I think is the real business.

What’s important.

What’s real.

In Howard’s End Forster says “It isn’t size that counts so much as the way things are arranged”

and more than ever I like how I have things arranged.

I share more because I have more to share.

I used to spend more money on people,

now I spend better time with them.

I see a lot of people less,

but I see them better.

I know a lot less people,

but per capita I know a lot better people.

I do less things,

but I do more meaningful things.

I have more patience for the time it takes to sail this craft

and less patience for the things that weigh down the sails.

Everyday is maintenance,

because it’s not easy.

I’ve been on a diet from the junk food of society.

The desires that cause suffering.

The superficialities.

The advertising of happiness that might just degrade it at the same time.

If I’m truly happy right now

why has it become that I need to be telling somebody?

I text someone a funny story

or photo

instead of putting it in a bottle and floating it out into the sea of Facebook.

Life is simple.

It is only ourselves who make it complicated.

I like simple people.

I’m attracted to positivity,

because it feeds the soul.

A drop of it falls into the water and spreads to the edges.

Likewise I’m more sensitive than ever to negativity,

to what brings you down,

what brings me down,

what brings another person down.

I’d rather build.

It’s hard to shed a little light on all the different things I’ve done,

all the little ways I’ve readjusted in this pursuit of happiness,

because it’s everything.

This year has undoubtedly been one of the happiest of my life.

It had down’s that make the up’s feel even higher.

I’m thankful for those.

It had quiet moments, still moments that make the rest seem like a rollercoaster.

It had loneliness that makes my companionship that much more enjoyable.

It had fears.

Real fears, not the ones you see on TV.

Not exaggerated claims that exist to serve someone else’s purpose.

Not fears you have to convince me to be afraid of.

It was also saturated with happiness

like water pouring out of a sponge,

that doesn’t fill every space

but does make it appear as if the entire things is soaked.

And for this I’m grateful,

because it isn’t a passive process.

It’s something a person conceives,

builds,

and maintains.

So personally

you become proud of it.

It’s easy to make a mess.

It’s harder to clean it up.

And even though some stains might be there if you look closely,

you’re happy for the reminders of the progress you’ve made.

I’ve found that some people aren’t comfortable with speaking positively.

It is such a shift in gears from the comfort of complaining

that it feels unnatural to some people, I think.

I like to share gratitude.

And if those around you can’t understand it

then change your environment.

Some people don’t like to see happiness.

Some don’t like to acknowledge your happiness,

or can’t relate to embracing happiness.

So leave them as they are.

You can’t save everybody.

You can’t save anybody who isn’t ready.

You can’t make people be ready.

Just live your life.

You don’t live in the triumphs of other people, enjoying their spoils,

so you don’t have to live in their unhappiness, sustaining their negativity.

This year I have more

and I also have less,

but because the right things are in the right places

happiness is achieved.

Not fairy tale happiness,

that’s an imaginative novelty.

Real happiness is balance.

The glass is half full of good things

and the space above it is full of appreciation for what’s not.

The people, places and things in my circle are welcome.

Everything else has a small distance.

They still exist,

and require addressing sometimes,

but they’re away from my target.

They’re removed from the center of my life,

and the emotions that drive me are guarded from them.

They’re knowledge, not life.

They don’t help anything,

so they don’t belong.

What sounds like naivety

is actually more like clarity.

I feels like things are more real than they’ve ever been,

made of wood, not plastic.

Full of actions, not words.

Surrounded in love, not hate.

I have no time for hate.

I cut out a lot of hateful things

that appeared normal on the surface.

I embrace a lot of positive things,

that appear benign on the outside.

Those are for me to sort for myself.

Find your own equation.

Do your own math.

It’s not universal.

It’s personal.

Finding your right formula helps the world

because you started with yourself.

I didn’t want to be another virus

spreading conflict or sickness invisibly to those around me.

Inspiring silent thoughts that will lead to widowed actions later.

A lot of people reap discontent in their life.

I see how they even seek out the things that bother their happiness,

or disrupt their peace.

If I wanted to be happier than I was, I had to try to look more clearly

and live more cleanly.

None of this is meant to put another person down.

Like when people share pictures of their weight loss

isn’t to boast but to inspire.

To help.

None of this has anything to do with becoming perfect,

it’s silly how one feels they might have to say that,

but the path to happiness is important to every person.

If we’re not individually seeking a happier life,

how will we collectively have a brighter future.

This year life changed in ways that I hope will never be undone.

Not perfect,

but happier.

I plan to make next year another round,

not trying for more,

but more of the same.